The heart of confidence

Believe you can and you're halfway there. -- Theodore Roosevelt

Today’s newsletter provides highlights and reflections on Episode 10, in which Anthony Moseley, Creative Director for the Emmy Award Winning Collaboraction Theatre Company, joins me to discuss a topic that often feels out of reach: Confidence.

Most of us struggle to embrace confidence without feeling like we’re stepping over the line into arrogance. In our conversation, Anthony and I explore a framework you can use to build yours - from the inside out.

In this post, I share some personal reflections and key break-aways from our conversation. 🔊 Listen in for more. Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Website Player

🤔 Reflections on the episode

Confidence is the most elusive topic I’ve explored yet on the podcast. The moment you pause to think about confidence, it’s usually because you feel like you lost yours and you're longing to get it back. Like it went missing along with all your left socks.

The very act of making this episode put me in a confidence spiral. In the spirit of unabashed honesty: it took me almost a year to create it. Why? I was wrestling with deep-seated beliefs about myself, and eventually started questioning if I even possessed confidence in the first place.

I've spent years avoiding the perception that I am conceited or overconfident. In countless moments, I neutralized this concern by keeping quiet or sitting on the sidelines. So when I started working on this episode, crafting a message that I thought might be perceived as smug or presumptuous, my confidence went into hiding. I found myself clinging to not just an idea, but an internalized value I learned as a kid and have nurtured for years - that I am humble and modest.

Unfortunately, the actions my "humbleness" led me to take (putting the episode on the back burner and trying to forget about it) would later be construed as evidence that as a person, I had become timid and insecure. In reality, I had created an unhelpful story and interpreted it as fact - and I wore it as a new identity. It wasn't until I finally revived my conversation with Anthony and heard the wisdom in our words that I was able to pick myself back up. And, as a result of this long and winding journey, I ultimately wound up claiming a newfound sense of confidence about confidence (yes, it's very meta).

It's why I think there's something very important in this episode that is worth sharing.

🤔 What is Confidence?

I believe there are two dimensions of confidence, and we use the word interchangeably to describe both. It can refer to the way you feel about a particular skill, or a more generalized sense about yourself. My focus is the latter, although the approaches I discuss could be used to address the first kind, too.

I landed on my own definition of confidence, because all the dictionary definitions I found felt incomplete. I think of confidence as a sense of calm certainty that you can do or become anything you want.

We feel confident in the moments when things seem familiar and easy, or we've done something enough times it's become automatic.

Confidence eludes us when we’re trying something new, pushing boundaries and limits, or we don’t know how other people will react.

As we’ll discuss below, there are things you can do to overcome all of these problem scenarios.

❤️ How Do You Build Confidence?

In the episode, Anthony helps me examine a model of confidence I created. It's made of five core elements that, when combined, become the Heart of Confidence.

You develop confidence by cultivating self love, pushing through the frustration of learning, taking action even when it feels impossibly scary, crafting your message and delivery to make it easier for others to receive it, and staying anchored in your purpose.

By working to grow each of these smaller habits and skills, you can build your confidence from the inside out. Let's explore each element in greater depth.

1. Self Love is your internal base of confidence, and serves as the "soil" from which everything else grows.

It’s not vanity or arrogance. It’s the baseline sense of your own intrinsic value, and the courage to be kind to yourself when your current skills don't match your future ambitions. Without it, you are dependent upon what everyone else thinks of you - which is not only unfair, it can be a barrier to receiving constructive feedback, and dangerous in the case of bullying.

Anthony’s comment from the episode sums this one up perfectly: “There'll never be a better you than you.”

2. Intentional Learning is the engine that drives you to acquire the knowledge and skills you need to achieve your goals and aspirations. Continuous improvement is also a key aspect.

This is the bridge between Self Love ("I'm enough and I'm willing to try") and Taking Action (doing the work). It also encompasses the belief that you can improve and grow; without this, you’ll remain paralyzed by the fear of failure.

By focusing on growth, you shift your goal from being an expert to becoming one. It lowers the stakes of making mistakes along the way.

3. Taking Action is where your internal beliefs and aspirations become a reality in the outside world.

It's more than a physical manifestation of confidence; it also acts as fuel. Action closes the distance between your current skills and your aspirations. My post on Scrappiness reflects on the power of unpolished action, and ends with Ira Glass’ famous quote on “the gap.” Shipping your work, even if it isn't perfect, is crucial.

Contrary to what we often think, you don't need confidence to act. When you act with courage, confidence is the result.

4. Deliberate Presentation is the shift where you ensure your message isn't just transmitted, it is received on the other side.

It involves “reading the room” and “knowing your audience,” tailoring your content and delivery in a way others can understand. Get feedback, use spellcheck, rethink and polish your slide presentation, and try taking a public speaking or improv class (even if it feels 'theatrical' to you). Then get a haircut, find a stylish outfit, and put on some perfume. Pro tip: don't forget the deodorant!

This element is the bridge to how other people perceive you and receive your message. You don't want it to get lost in translation.

5. Purpose is the bedrock of confidence - the "why" that makes the other four elements sustainable over the long term.

It’s your reason to keep going when you hit a wall or get rejected, or when external rewards (like praise or money) aren't immediate. It moves confidence away from being about you and toward being about your work and impact. When your actions are aligned with a deeper purpose, you stay focused on your mission - which naturally radiates a grounded form of confidence.

Purpose is what fuels your internal fire. It acts as a persistent force that carries you through the "growing pains" of following your passion.

It's a little cheesy to turn all of this into a "heart," but it's the only shape I could imagine using. Confidence is so profoundly important in our lives. It's the difference between longing for your wildest dreams, and having the courage and fortitude to chase them.

In short: you can develop confidence. This model is one way you can do it.

🔌 How to Boost Your Confidence, Right Now

So... what can you do the next time you realize you're in a confidence spiral?

We’ve all been there, with that sinking feeling - where your inner critic is on a megaphone and you feel like you can't do anything.

You don’t need a five-year plan. You need an immediate way to reboot your mindset.

Here are two slightly different approaches you can take. One is more holistic (thanks Anthony for sharing it in the episode!), the other uses of the Heart of Confidence as a model to pick yourself back up. See which one works for you.

🫶 A holistic path to confidence

1. Get perspective. ​Reflect on all the gifts in your life, and consider what you really want. In addition to your talents and achievements, include all the things you are grateful for. Write it all down.

2. Phone a friend.​ Reach out to someone you trust - a friend, a mentor, a family member. Tell them what's going on and ask for their time and their help to get you through it.

3. Go outside.​ Get out of your own head by changing the scene, together with your #2. Remind yourself of the bigger picture by heading to a field with an open sky, or under a forest canopy.

4. Share the list.​ Read the list you made out loud, putting your hopes and dreams out into the universe - manifest them. A true friend will also point out additional possibilities you may not think of.

5. Make a plan.​ Come up with the steps you can take to bring your aspirations to life, then flip your paper over and write them down. Even the tiniest steps are progress toward your goal.

5. Revisit it.​ Place your vision and action plan in a place you'll see it every day, like the fridge. It will subconsciously reinforce your goals, and you can claim wins as you go. When you have a bad day, flip the page over and look at the gifts you listed on the other side. It'll give you an extra dose of self-love.

❤️ Using the Heart of Confidence

1. Does your doubt really matter? [Purpose] Is the feeling you're having truly worth your time and effort to address - or should you let it go? If it's the latter, skip the rest of these steps and move on to something better.

2. Ground yourself. [Self love]​ You matter, and you’ve done your best. Having doubts and falling down doesn’t change the fact that you are the best you that has ever been. You're human, and humans make mistakes. It's part of growing.

3. Weigh the doubt. [Intentional Learning]​ Are you struggling because you don't have a particular skill or experience? What is it, and how can you fill the gap?If you received constructive feedback, is there any truth to it, and is it worth working on?

4. Plan + Act with courage. [Take Action]​ Take your learnings to heart, and think of one next step that will move you closer to your goal. Can you write another draft, practice your material again, or sign up for a class? Decide and do it! Or schedule it for later.

5. Refine your message. [Deliberate Presentation] Ask for feedback, improve the format or your performance, and invest in self care before you put yourself out there next time (a haircut, a good rest, a good meal, a workout). Make it easier for others to receive your gift.

By shifting your focus from how you currently feel and taking action to reset, you can navigate just about any unplanned journey of self-doubt.

🫶 Some Final Thoughts

Confidence doesn’t have to be an elusive idea; it’s a skill you can cultivate. At its core, it's the byproduct of accepting yourself and your fear or discomfort, choosing to take action anyway. You can continue to grow it by continuously improving your craft so others can receive your message, and when it's driven by a meaningful sense of purpose - confidence can be unshakeable.

We often wait to feel confident before we take a big leap, whether it’s applying for a promotion, starting a side project - or jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.

True story: they had to push me out of the plane

But the feeling of confidence usually comes after we’ve done the thing that scared us.

By choosing to take bold action in your life, again and again, you can close the gap between who you are today and who you want to become.

Are you ready to give your confidence a boost?

Feel free to come back to the tips I shared today next time you need some extra help.

You’ve got this.

💥 Break Out!

PS - If you found today's note helpful, please forward it to a friend! And if you're enjoying the show, a star rating on Spotify or Apple Podcasts goes a long way in helping me reach more people who need to hear they’re not alone.

You're gorgeous, you old hag, and if I could give you just one gift ever for the rest of your life it would be this. Confidence. It would be the gift of confidence. Either that or a scented candle. - David Nicholls, One Day