You're grounded!

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh Another lonely day with no one here but me, oh More loneliness than any man could bear Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh - The Police (Message in a Bottle)

Many moons ago, back in the 7th grade, I was sent to the one place my perfectionistic self thought impossible: the principal's office.

I was a chronic rule-follower, at least during school hours. But that day, one of my teachers reacted very poorly to some uncharacteristically playful behavior, and I learned exactly what it felt like to be sidelined.

I was gruffly dragged into the school office, and since the Principal wasn’t available (phew!), I found myself on the wrong end of a humiliating lecture from the Assistant Principal (which might have actually been worse; she was also the mother of a friend in my class).

As punishment, I was benched for what would be the longest basketball game of my middle school career. The coach sat me far away from the rest of the team, and I wasn't allowed to even wear my uniform. I was basically left to drown in a sea of shame, all by my lonely little self - with no way to send a message in a bottle to anyone.

I felt the stares of every parent watching me from the bleachers, like they were drilling holes in my despondent heart. And as I saw them talking amongst themselves, my 12 year old self was convinced they spent the entire game trying to figure out exactly what I had done wrong. Obviously!

But what was worse than the stares was my fearful anticipation of the conversation I’d be forced to have with my parents that night. Both of them were working "late" (as in, until 5pm) and wouldn’t hear the news until dinner. I was scared they would agree with all the adults in my orbit - that at my core, I was a failure - and I was even more terrified of the consequence I would be dealt at home.

I would be grounded.

As a kid, being grounded wasn't only proof you were a disappointment to the world at large, it was the ultimate social death sentence. In my clearly privileged upbringing, there was no worse agony I could possibly face than a grounding - barring an actual tragedy or hospital visit. No phone calls, no friends, just four imposing walls and my own disparaging thoughts for as long as my parents decided it would take to “make amends.”

As if!

My basketball suspension seemed an unfair and undue punishment, even at the time. The offense: I had solidly (but not even that sassily) refused my choir teacher’s request to remove a Chiquita banana sticker I’d jokingly stuck to my nose at lunch. I was in some extra credit small group performance, and I was pissed off that I had to waste my lunch break rehearsing some terrible, cheesy song - not to mention needing to show up for a stage performance the following night. The teacher blew up at my reaction, likely because she was stressed out about the show, and perhaps also because my behavior was such an unexpected departure from my ‘good girl’ persona.

Fortunately, my parents thought the whole ordeal was blown entirely out of proportion. And, since I’d already borne a hefty punishment (not to mention the shame and embarrassment involved), I was able to avoid a grounding. But I did still get funny looks from my friends’ parents the next few weeks, before the whole thing finally blew over.

It’s one of those memories that reminds me, there’s a lot I don’t miss about being a kid.

Especially because, strange as it may sound, nowadays I actually wish someone would say to me, "you’re grounded.”

🏀 Beyond my Basketball Diaries

For years, I carried the fear of being 'sidelined' into not only my career, but my entire life. I thought that if I didn't keep climbing and doing the next 'right' thing, I was failing. You might think I’m saying that in jest, but I mean it. I was stuck in a sneaky FOMO trap, worrying I'd forever be a castaway looking for a home.

I recently came to the realization that this constant chase led me to spend very little time feeling grounded. Instead of enjoying the island of me, I spent inordinate amounts of time and energy sending SOS messages to the world - hoping to validate my existence and value.

Now, what do I mean by that word, grounded? I’ve got two definitions, the main difference is who's driving:

1. Internally directed: Feeling calm and centered, despite external stressors or chaos

2. Externally directed: Prohibited from enjoying privileges or flying an aircraft

Most of the time, when I hear or think about being grounded it's using the first definition. And as I contemplated the meaning of it, a world of awareness and understanding opened up that I wanted to share with you. But fear not! I’ll also come back to the second definition before I close out.

😌 Calm, Collected, and Feeling all the Feels

Let’s be real. I aspire to be calm and centered. I want to feel grounded. But in the world we live in - with a barrage of alerts and notifications, shame-inducing ads, and far too many demands for our time and attention - it’s an aspiration most of us have to work for. Which means that feeling grounded also tends to be a temporary state that requires an intentional pause or stepping into a different physical environment to find a little zen.

In my reflections, I’ve been taking notes on what it feels like when I am - and when I am not - grounded. Mainly because I’ve noticed how frequently I’m... not entirely “here,” but rather "out of it" or “in my head.” And yet - I truly enjoy what it feels like to be grounded. I want more of that feeling.

So… what exactly does that entail? Have you ever paused to notice what it feels like to be grounded?

For me, it’s more than simply feeling relaxed. It’s feeling connected to, or within, my self; like my whole consciousness slows down and I “sink in” to my body. Sometimes it feels like I almost melt into the ground below me, or a chair I’m sitting on. I stop noticing what’s happening around me, tuning in to my own needs as I let go of outside demands. On a good day, finding my center like this leads me to what I believe lies at the heart of groundedness: a deep sense of intuition. It’s a profound knowing of who I am, what I want to do, and what truly matters.

Just writing that, and meditating on that feeling, makes me feel incredibly grounded.

As for what I feel like the rest of the time? It’s mostly an even split between focused - feeling "in the zone" (although when I pause to think on it, sometimes it's “in my head”) - and decompressing - whether it's doing things without conscious thought (driving a car or riding a bike), or crashing on a couch to binge watch the latest season of Bridgerton.

I’d describe my headiness as very mental - a constant stream of thoughts running through my consciousness, sometimes at a trot, often at a gallop, and occasionally like I’m cruising down the Autobahn at 100 miles per hour. Physically, that sense of headiness also “feels” like there’s a lot of activity or movement happening in my head or brain. But at the same time, there is an absence of noticeable feeling or sensation in the rest of my body.

That lack of feeling is also how I’d generally describe what happens when I’m on autopilot or zoned out.

When I’m experiencing a particularly difficult moment, sometimes I feel like my thoughts aren’t even connected to my body at all. I’ve described them before as being kind of “above” my head. When I’m acutely stressed, I often feel a tightness in my throat, and a sinking feeling or "pit" in my stomach. When I get mad or flustered, my face gets red and I feel like I'm on fire. When I'm grieving or feeling deep sadness, I get cold all over and find it hard to stay awake.

I realize everything I’ve just described may seem “woo woo” to you if you’ve never thought about your feelings in this way before. But if you, too, enjoy feeling grounded, I’d encourage you to try paying more attention to all the ways you feel. Not just your emotions, but your consciousness and somatic sensations. Getting in touch with them will ultimately make it easier to reach your own calm and connected state, and maybe even begin to recognize difficult moments as they unfold.

🙈 The 4 Culprits of Disturbance

A fascinating thing happened as I started to play around with this idea of being grounded. I started noticing not only what helps me feel more centered - but perhaps more importantly, what pulls me away from that feeling. As it turns out, the first of the 4 Culprits of Disturbance I identified is something that surprised me (although maybe it shouldn't have).

Technology. Specifically, opening my computer and picking up my phone.

Even in the moments where I know exactly what I want and plan to do - like text someone who is literally standing in front of me - more often than not I immediately forget what I was trying to do as soon as I crack open a screen.

Shiny Object Syndrome (SOS) - another one of my brain’s kooky habits - takes over.

The phenomenon is perhaps best illustrated by Dug, the dog in the Pixar film “Up,” who blurts out the word “Squirrel!” whenever he sees one run past him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSUXXzN26zg

I wish I could say my internal SOS is an occasional challenge. But it’s not. It seems the very tools I use to manage most of my life have mutated into traps of distraction. I use my computer and my phone to do work, handle my finances, keep tabs on my kids’ needs, and to stay “connected” with everyone I know - including my next door neighbors. And I know I’m not the only one.

All too frequently, when I light up one of my screens - even when I've got a clear plan to handle a particular task - I get sucked into the vortex of the 10,000 other things on my plate before I can find the app or browser tab I was looking for. I often don’t even realize it's happening, and it’s only after some time (usually minutes, but I'll admit it's gone on for over half an hour before) that I find myself looking up and questioning my purpose in that moment. Sometimes I question my adulting skills altogether. And then, only once I’ve realized I’ve been bamboozled, yet again, I clam up and try to remember… anything, at all. My mind goes missing in a spiral of lost things, and my conscious thoughts get overwhelmed by a heavy sense of hopelessness and anxiety. By the end of all of this, I usually come to the natural conclusion that I’m a terrible person, and all I want to do is crawl in a hidey hole and forget the world altogether.

Which then leads me to… re-enter one of my screens! Because they also happen to be a portal to addictive rabbit holes like Reddit, Instagram, Netflix, and my Amazon shopping cart. Prime opportunities to get lost in retail therapy or someone else’s problems, and forget about my life for a while.

The kicker? Because I’ve strengthened these patterns of avoidance over time, this habitual cycle of device-driven distraction also makes it 10 times harder to get “in the zone” or stay there and finish whatever I started, even after I begin a task. The end result? Some days it can feel impossible to cross off any. single. thing. from my to-do list.

I can now see why anyone working toward personally driven aspirations or goals is especially prone to falling into distraction traps like this. You’re making plans and deadlines with yourself, and unless there’s a system of accountability in place - with a buddy, a community, or a coach - you're the only one who notices when you miss the boat. And, since we're our own worst critics, if we don’t have a compassionate supporter to remind us “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!” it can feel pointless (if not impossible) to pull ourselves out of said hidey hole.

I mentioned there were four Culprits of Disturbance, but I’ve only really explored one. The others are (1) interruptions, (2) stress, and (3) general messiness and disorder. Technology can certainly contribute to all of them, but there are a wide variety of other related factors. For the sake of brevity in this already long-winded note, I'll leave it at that, for now.

🧘 How I ground myself

Unfortunately, I don’t have a magic bullet - at least not yet - for exactly what I should be doing about my insidious screens. But the act of noticing when I am and am not grounded - and holding an intention to feel more centered, more of the time - has opened up all sorts of new possibilities that I’m experimenting with.

Here’s what I’ve figured out so far - at least for myself. I’ve broken “groundedness” into 4 different levels - from Grounded on one end to Ungrounded on the other. In the middle are the two states we spend the majority of our time as humans - Focused and Decompressing.

None of these categories is "bad." They simply are. I offer these descriptions not as yet another way for you to judge yourself, but as a means to check in and notice where you're spending your time and energy.

Here are my observations of what each of these levels looks and feels like - heavily based on my own experience.

1. Grounded

What I mean​ Deeply centered

How often I'm in this zone​ < 5% of the time (trying for more!)

Contributing factors​ A quiet, clean space Box breathing Journaling Yoga & meditation

How it feels (to me)​ Physically: Connected to the ground or a chair Mentally: Calm & instinctive, sometimes empty Emotionally: Self compassion and self love Sensing: Clear on purpose, identity & needs

2. Focused

What I mean ​In a "flow" state

How often I'm in this zone​ 30-60% of the time

Contributing factors​ Project-based work Note taking / scribbling Tidiness and order Intense workouts (during & after)

How it feels (to me) ​Physically: "in my head," muted feelings (lack of hunger, less aware of pain / discomfort) Mentally: Immersed and concentrating Emotionally: Deep enjoyment, purposeful Sensing: In the zone and satisfied

3. Decompressing

What I mean​ Automatic or in cognitive rest

How often I'm in this zone​ 30-60% of the time

Contributing factors ​Feeling tired or "spent" Technology - computer / phone / TV Outside interruptions Mess and disorder

How it feels (to me)​ Physically: Unaware of my physicality Mentally: Zoned out Emotionally: Detached Sensing: Checked out

4. Ungrounded

What I mean​ Hotheaded or lost & adrift

How often I'm in this zone​ < 5% of the time, more when burned out

Contributing factors​ Isolation Extreme exhaustion Disheartening failure Highly stressful or challenging events

How it feels (to me)​ Physically: "out of body," pain or discomfort, extreme hot or cold sensations Mentally: Racing thoughts or lethargy Emotionally: Deeply sad, overwhelmed, worry Sensing: Untethered or directionless

I personally enjoy spending as much time as I can in the first two levels. I also do my best to embrace the need for the third, and try not to judge myself for not being productive every moment of the day. Despite the pressure many of us feel to be "on" all day long - it simply isn't possible. We need downtime, it's not a crime!

There are also many things in life that are outside your control, that can lead you to feeling ungrounded. It's simply part of being human.

✈️ OK, so what about that second definition?

I offered up a second usage of grounded earlier, as in "prohibited from enjoying privileges or flying a plane." It's the version of being grounded that terrified my 7th grade self.

Some quick research suggests this meaning was first used to describe confining an aircraft to the ground, for one of a variety of reasons (bad weather, a plane malfunction, flight crew issues, you get the idea). At some point, the word was re-applied to the world of parenting, to describe the use of non-physical / non-corporal punishment, whereby parents withhold privileges from children, especially adolescents. Grounding a kid prevents them from leaving the house, or doing the things they want to do the most, akin to a plane being grounded.

After all this discussion about wanting to be centered and calm, I can’t help but think that the intention behind grounding something other than yourself - whether it's a plane or a kid - is to create the conditions that would make it possible for said aircraft (or child) to be self-capable of being calm and centered. Now, there is conflicting evidence over the long-term effectiveness of grounding a child - however, in my personal experience I've found the only way to curb particularly challenging kid behaviors is to establish clear expectations, and dole out consequences when they aren't met.

Maybe that idea is a stretch - grounding someone else, so they can ground themself. But in many ways that’s the lesson I seem to be learning as a parent. I am not personally responsible for my child’s behaviors or actions, but rather - my job is to create the conditions that I believe will best support them in becoming a well-adjusted adult someday.

As for whether I achieved the goal of becoming a well-adjusted adult? The jury's still out on that one. But onward we shall go!

💭 Some final thoughts

Next time you find yourself feeling like you’re lost and adrift - or blowing an internal fuse - remember this:

You have the power to ground yourself, and to find your own center.

Like most other things, the more you practice mindfulness and being grounded, the easier it gets. Eventually you may even find all you need is a few deep inhales - at least to catch your breath.

We spend so much of our lives climbing, reaching, and looking to the future. But sometimes, the best way to break the rules is to just... stop.

So, next time you're caught in a thought spiral, give yourself a break from whatever it is. Let yourself off the hook for whatever hard reality you’ve been dealt.

You own your next breath.

You own your next step.

And somewhere, deep inside, you know not only what you really want - but also, how to get it.

Need an extra boost? You’re grounded.

In all the best of ways.

💥 Break Out!

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