Love is Not Conditional

This past weekend I had a moment at home that I imagine many of you can probably relate to, whether you’re a parent, a brother or sister, or simply a fellow human being.

It started with a sibling squabble (an all-too-common occurrence in our home), but this one quickly escalated into a full-blown opera of yelling and high-pitched screeches. After it became clear my kids couldn’t "work it out" by themselves, I stepped in to move the main instigator somewhere else.

As we negotiated the transition - an act my child clearly felt was unfair - they delivered a line that stopped me in my tracks:

"If you do this, I won’t love you."

Ooof.

In years past, I would have taken the blow as a personal assault.

But oh, the places I've gone! (aka plenty of therapy)

So I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and calmly responded to my child:

"Love is not conditional. You can be mad at me, and it's OK for you to be frustrated. But your love for me doesn't stop because you don't like something I'm doing."

💞 Real Love is Unbreakable

This experience, even in its brief and dramatic form, highlights a profound truth it takes some people a lifetime to learn: Real love does not operate on an if/then statement.

We are taught early on, often unintentionally, to make our affection a currency. If you share your toys, everyone else will be happy. If you behave, you'll get a treat. While these are useful tools for teaching behavior at a young age, when this mindset bleeds into the emotional core of a relationship, it becomes a dangerous form of manipulation.

The maturity of your love is measured not by how easily you give it to others when things are good, but by how steadfastly you refuse to withhold it when things are challenging. There will be countless times when the people in your life don't give you what you want. They will disappoint you, they will forget a promise they made, they will prioritize other things, or they will simply make a choice you disagree with. We may be social beings, but we're also imperfect.

Withholding love as a punishment when one of these things happens is a form of control, not a healthy expression of emotional distress. It diminishes the connection you have with someone else and sets a precedent that the relationship is transactional - it exists only as long as your needs are being met perfectly. It also places an undue burden on the other person to solve a problem that is at least partially - and maybe even entirely - yours to address.

💌 Loving at a Distance: Boundaries and Compassion

This brings us to a complex, often difficult truth: It is possible to hold profound, unconditional love for someone even if they are treating you poorly. This is where the concepts of detachment and boundaries become critical acts of self-love and self-preservation.

Unconditional love does not mean unconditionally accepting someone else’s behavior. When you establish boundaries around what you are willing to accept in a relationship, you don’t stop loving another person, you choose to love yourself more.

You can love a friend, a parent, or a partner, yet still recognize their actions are problematic - if not detrimental or toxic to your well-being. In these cases, it is a profound act of self-love for you to:

1. Detach: Remove yourself from the situation emotionally and physically.

2. Set Firm Boundaries: Decide what behavior you will and will not tolerate, and communicate it.

3. Create Space: If necessary, advocate for yourself by leaving the presence of the person who is treating you poorly, until they demonstrate a genuine, lasting change in their behavior toward you. This might have a timeframe, or it might be indefinite.

This is not a failure of love; it is a demonstration of its truest form. You are honoring the sanctity of the relationship by protecting the one piece of it you can control: your own peace and safety.

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 It's Empathetic to Hold Boundaries

Over time, I've come to realize that establishing clear expectations and holding healthy boundaries is not only an act of self preservation, it's an empathetic act.

Why? Because I'm invested in helping other people grow.

As a parent, you want kids to become well-adjusted, independent adults that you enjoy being around.

As a manager, you want your reports to improve - both for their benefit and the company's bottom line.

And hopefully, you honor your other personal relationships enough to work through challenging moments, seeking healthy ways to treat one another rather than stepping back from them.

Boundaries are needed when other people don't fulfill your expectations of them, or they do things that would likely put a strain on any healthy relationship. The only way a person will learn where they're missing the mark is when someone tells them.

And - need I remind you? If you are a parent or a manager, you are the person most responsible for divvying out this kind of "tough love." If you don't, you're placing an unfair burden on everyone else around you, and you're not helping the people you're supposed to support.

👵🏼 A Lifelong Journey

As someone navigating relationships in many different parts of my life, love and limits are things I continue to learn more about every day. We are social beings who crave connection - but many of us struggle with how to balance our own needs with the demands and expectations that others place on us.

I hope this message helps you think about how you can practice the act of unconditional love for yourself in addition to others, by holding boundaries as needed with the people you hold dear.

We could all use a bit more love in the world.

💥 Break Out!

Imagine if we all stopped keeping score. Stopped deciding who is worthy before offering kindness, patience, or grace. Imagine if we loved first, not because of what someone does, but because that’s just who we are. That kind of love is how we change the world. - Ben Fisher (A String of Hope)

What does "unconditional love" look like in a difficult relationship you currently have? Send me a note via my Feedback page if you're struggling and would like to talk through some practical ways you can set boundaries while maintaining a loving detachment.