Do you fit in?

“Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?” - Ian Wallace

I've been thinking a lot lately about the "shapes" we try to squeeze ourselves into.

My latest life lesson came from an unexpected place: my living room furniture.

🛋️ The Couch That Changed Everything

Last fall, my husband and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary by doing something I thought of at the time as ridiculously extravagant: we replaced our living room couch.

We’d spent 14 years with our previous sofa, and I basically thought of it as part of our home. It was comfortable, it had supported our family since the day we moved in, and I knew it would last us another 14 more years (if not longer). But we’d bought it during an entirely different phase of our lives, three homes ago, when we had very different needs. It didn't truly "fit" the vibe or the space of our current lifestyle; we were just making it work because it was already there and a sunk cost.

The new couch? I kid you not, I tell my husband on a weekly - and often daily basis - how grateful I am that we got it. It’s a lighter color that seamlessly blends into our home, it unblocked a window - letting in light we hadn't realized we were missing, and it makes the room feel bigger and more "together." But perhaps more importantly, it made the living room “the” spot where my family now spends most of our time at home, together. The ROI hasn’t only been realized in enjoying our home more, it's in cuddles with my kids, and - while this may sound like an exaggeration (it's not) - it has helped me spend more time with my family.

Our old couch served us well. We planned our wedding from its cushions, and it survived cross-country moves and messy toddlers jumping all over it. But the reality is, we’ve changed. We no longer needed something that just physically fit in our space; we needed something that belonged with us, for this phase of our life.

It was a move that, wild as it may sound, made me fall back in love with our home.

🙋 What does it mean to "Fit In"?

Our living room refresh is a perfect metaphor for the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.” At some point, our old sofa no longer served us in the way we needed - but we accepted it anyway. It was already well established in our home, and it was good enough. But the new couch? It belongs in our space. It works for us, instead of us working around it.

More generally, I think of fitting in in two ways:

1. What you do: changing your behavior or appearance in order to be accepted by a group or individual.

2. What you allow: accepting a request or situation, often minimizing your own needs in the process.

The first type of fitting in is a form of people pleasing. You’re molding yourself to what you believe other people want or expect of you, creating an incomplete - and potentially “false” - version of yourself in order to be accepted. If you get a new outfit because it looks great on you and you've got money to burn, that's great! But when you buy a pair of expensive new shoes because they're the new "in" thing - especially if you don't really like them, you can't afford them, or they're uncomfortable - that's fitting in. Fitting in often involves deprioritizing your own needs, and when you do it repeatedly over time it can lead to losing a sense of your own identity.

The second form of fitting in is making accommodations for other people or the environment around you. This becomes a problem when you neglect your own needs in the process. If you have a pre-scheduled time window meant to take meetings, fitting an appointment into that block is no problem at all (and you probably wouldn’t even describe it that way). But if scheduling a meeting involves canceling or rescheduling something else, it’s worth considering the tradeoffs involved - and what should win out. My couch scenario falls into this second version of fitting in - we accepted a less-than situation, without considering what we truly wanted or needed, today.

Now, I do want to be clear: fitting in isn’t entirely bad. As young kids, we learn to fit in by curbing fundamental antisocial behaviors. Being rude, talking out of turn, not sharing or collaborating, and bossing other people around are great examples. All of these make you an unpleasant person to be around, regardless of who you are - and if you don’t learn to "play well with others" you'll have a hard time building healthy relationships throughout your life.

Code-switching is another form of fitting in that's draining and difficult - while also useful. On one hand, it can be emotionally taxing and lead to feelings of forced assimilation. But it can also be used as a flexible tool for connection, cultural expression, and professional adaptation. Many people from minority and non-dominant groups rely on code-switching as a means for bigger paychecks and more prestige - it's an unfortunate cost of entry in many parts of society.

If you recognize areas where you are fitting in and wonder if it's worth it, here's the question to ask yourself: what do you get out of the deal? If you get meaningful benefits from showing up differently or making accommodations, it may be worth the tradeoff. But if you are suffering simply in order to blend in or feel like you're not alone - that sounds problematic.

But don’t despair! If you're giving more than you get in order to be part of a group or a relationship, there are things you can do to change that. Stay with me, we'll get there.

😵‍💫 Why do we try so hard to fit in?

Before we jump into solutions - let’s pause to answer a key question first. If fitting in requires us to suppress our true selves to some degree, why do we do it?

Simply put, fitting in is human nature. We are social creatures. For our caveman ancestors, being part of a tribe was a matter of life or death - you were far more likely to survive a bear attack or a harsh winter if you were in a group than if you were all alone.

Even as babies, we respond and adapt to caregiver cues like touch, voice, and eye contact. These actions help us form deep emotional bonds and attachments with our parents - and reduce the likelihood they'll abandon us, even when they're struggling with sleepless nights.

As kids, we fit in to make friends and “keep the peace” with our families. We copy the “cool kids” and the latest trends so we’re not “cast out,” and we follow the rules - or suffer the consequences.

As we grow older, we tend to be more intentional in our personal lives, seeking out relationships and social circles that fit us and where we feel like we belong. But fitting in is still key to growing in our professional lives. If you’ve ever struggled at a professional networking event because you felt like a “fish out of water” - it's because you didn't fit in (at least not yet). We also grow in our careers by trying to fit in with the experts and emulating them. We achieve increasing levels of success as we internalize and embody those expert behaviors ourselves.

Community is critically important for our survival as humans. We may not be scanning the landscape for tigers anymore, but there’s plenty of research that shows just how important relationships are for our mental health, and mentors for our career success.

And fitting in is a tool that helps us earn a place at both personal and professional tables.

If you’re trying to fit in by contorting yourself into awkward or uncomfortable shapes, you’re not broken. You're simply human. Having awareness that you're doing it is the first step to choosing if and when you want to use this skill.

🤗 How to shift from Fitting In to Belonging

The healthy alternative to fitting in is belonging. True belonging is unconditional acceptance; it's feeling included and valued in a relationship or a group. It goes beyond your mere presence to involve a deep sense of connection, purpose, and the freedom to be your authentic self.

When you belong, you’ll also find a healthier balance between your own needs and everyone else's. Sure, you’ll still need to make adjustments for the benefit of the group, but you don't feel obligated to suck it up and always take the hit. You'll find a willingness to come up with win-win solutions and take turns on the less appealing parts.

Are you expected to always take a back seat in your circles, or are you always making the drive to see a particular friend? Unless there are legitimate reasons for these examples (perhaps you're taking a class, or the other person doesn't have a car and also contributes by cooking dinner for you both), expectations like these could be a signal that you're giving more than you're getting back.

So... are you fitting in, or do you belong? Here’s some considerations and tips to help you cultivate more belonging in your life.

When you're fitting in...

You avoid conflict by suppressing thoughts, behaviors or parts of yourself to be part of a group or to make a situation work. You’re changing yourself to match the environment.

You prioritize their agenda, and you give more of yourself than you get from being in the group or environment.

When you step away from the group, the situation, or the environment, you feel drained. You’re constantly monitoring yourself, or it's claiming time & space that could be used in a more positive way.

When you belong...

You speak up and proactively engage others. You feel seen and valued as you are, and enjoy interacting with the crowd.

Your "crew" is naturally aligned with your wants and needs, and it’s where you want to spend your time, today.

When it's time to leave, you don't want to go! You're energized or 'full' by being part of the group or being present in a situation or environment. It improves your life and supports you in the ways you need.

Want to change? Try this:

Put yourself out there. Think of a group where you've been holding back. Share a small, "unfiltered" opinion or preference there this week. See how they respond.

Say "No" to a "Should": Decline one invitation or group request that feels like a "should" rather than a "want." What happens?

Reclaim your space: Stop one habit that you're doing just to please others that is dimming your "light," cancel a meeting, or remove / swap out a piece of furniture. How does it make you feel?

‼️ The cost of finding belonging

Before we close out, we do need to touch upon one last point: there is often a real cost involved in moving from fitting in to belonging. In my living room analogy, we had to pay for our upgrade, with hard-earned money, heavy lifting, and the bother of finding a new home for our still-awesome sofa. But, these tradeoffs ultimately led to more joy in our daily lives. (I also got a great deal on the couch at Costco - I’m a thrifty gal 😉)

The act of cultivating more belonging in your life will likely involve you letting things go - habits, beliefs, and maybe even relationships. But the short-term pain involved in shedding them is usually worth the long-term benefits you'll enjoy. And don't forget, you can always change your mind if it turns out the things you once thought of as burdens were actually more useful than you realized.

💭 Some final thoughts

As humans, we are biologically driven by a need to fit in. If you are changing the way you show up to accommodate a group or a relationship, it's not necessarily a bad thing; if it’s done with intention and leads to meaningful benefits for you, the tradeoff may be worth it.

But if you find you are sacrificing too much of yourself, or suffering to feel like you’re not alone - it’s worth thinking about what you truly want and need.

It can feel scary to let go of the "furniture" in our lives - the habits, the roles, and the expectations we’ve carried with us for years. But you deserve to feel that double-dose of satisfaction that comes from not only being part of a community, but feeling like you can show up as your full, authentic self. Or - deciding what works for you, and holding firm to the things you will no longer accept or allow.

In my case, changing a couch transformed our living room into our loving room. (Oh, you know I had to share that phrase once it popped in my head 🤪)

If you are giving up more than you get back, take a deep breath! It’s ok. Fitting in is a natural, human impulse. We’ve all been where you are.

And it’s okay to outgrow the things that used to work.

What kind of makeover might you make room for in your life?

You’ve got this. And in case no one else makes you feel this way today, you belong.

💥 Break Out!

🙏🏽 Would you do me a favor? If you have 5 minutes, I'd love your input on my Research Survey. Interesting finding: I've heard WAY more from men than women, which I hadn't expected! Right now it's 65 / 35, but the delta was even more significant last week. I want to hear as many voices as I can!

And if you’ve found the ideas and tips I’ve shared today useful, let me know through my Feedback page! I read every response, and I’d love to hear what this opened up for you.